Always Trying To Perfect Myself...

So easy to see all the ways to perfect myself.  Especially when I see others -- who are better dressed, skinnier, more polished, more confident, more outgoing, more aggressive -- achieving things I want to achieve.  Most of these things I can take care of  -- I mean, no reason I need to be tee shirt and blue jeans every day -- no reason I can't have a smoothie for breakfast instead of two bowls of cereal -- but I think always having an improvement project is sort of demoralizing.  Maybe that is why I suffer from bouts of low-grade depression.  

What can I do, right now, where I am, with what I have.  Lots!!   I can still launch all my precious baby business ideas.   Right?  There are millions of people in the world, yes, the shiny people will have success faster perhaps -- but not EVERYONE is going to connect with the bright shiny people.  Not everyone has a bright shiny life.  I will find my tribe, when I put my babies into the world.

I have always felt I could connect to people who were vulnerable in some way, and maybe it is because I lose all sense of myself, but am focusing on them, listening to them, offering counsel.  Maybe that is what I need to do in those situations when I feel insecure, forget myself, see the person in front of me and focus on them, not my own anxiety.  

50 Things Before I'm 50….

Who believes I am almost 50. Middle of June to be a little more exact. It's so weird, to get so old. To look in the mirror, and not recognize the woman staring back at me. So many years on hold, fighting the fires of NOW and raising children… -- these days they are more self-sufficient, and I have to think about what I want to DO. My oldest, my brilliant 16 year old sweet boy with autism -- musings for him in another post.

 So, I have a vision for when I am 50, which is basically, ducks in a row so I can move forward with confidence! Clear goals, healthy mind and body, house that supports clarity and getting things done, etc… So this is my list, in no particular order:
1. Weigh 130 or less (annoying how weight was the first thing that came to mind)

2. Launch my online business (some sort of photography instruction)

3. Purchase a sectional sofa for family room (so there is a place where the family can congregate -- right now, all 5 of us cannot sit cozily and watch a movie together anywhere in the house!

4. Have happy summer plans to look forward to (summer camps for kids, some sort of trip for all of us, maybe a camping trip?)

5. Declutter the bedroom bookshelf (books on so many different stages of my development and growth…hard to let some of it go, but I want clarity on that bookshelf, not books about old dreams and interests (Voyager magazines, doll collecting books, guitar books, gardening books, etc…)

6. Paint my front stoop (it's a mess from winter salt, snow, and shoveling)

7. Clean my garden, a beautiful colorful entrance (for me, and for my clients)

8. Finish painting the master bathroom and bedroom (yes I'm a little ADD, I started the room 8 years ago? Never finished…)

 9. Clean and organize the bathroom (think spa. think calm, think zen, think peace, think Swedish)

10. Clean and organize the master closet (Wardrobe intervention. Get rid of things I don't wear, period. No saving it because it was expensive, or so and so gave it to me….)

11. Buy cute, comfortable summer shoes with support for myself (and my daughter, who pronates inward)

12. Approach local business with my partnership idea. (I have stood at the front of this business and talked myself out of going inside)

13. Create a video for my photography website

14. Create a cosy space in the basement for kids and clients to hang out (this is a big project but it MUST BE DONE).

15. Eat dinner at Chez Francois (it has been 35 years since I ate there, I'd like to go back….maybe for my 50th birthday)

16. Purchase a new mattress (our mattress is so terrible, so old, so uncomfortable. It is 14 years old now….)

17. Purchase a new wig (I have alopecia, I've worn a wig since I was 23 or 24….)

18. Feng shui my bedroom (It doesn't support rest and rejuvenation. It is chaos. I want clarity and calm in that room.)

19. Feng Shiu oldest child room (he is in the old homeschool room, and there are so many precious books and games and learning things I've had trouble letting go of…but he also needs a place to support his growth and development. I want to make the bedroom a special haven for him, that still invites the other kids in…

20. Feng Shui daughter's room (her room is so small, I need to elevate her bed to give her space for a desk or sofa underneath….I want it to be a calm retreat for her too…)

21. Feng Shui youngest's room (his room needs the least amount of work, but it could support him a little more too…

22. Do my 2013 taxes (uggh! shoeboxes of receipts -- need I say more?? uggh!)

23. Run/walk 5K (this should be easier, now that we have a dog I've been walking daily since December, rain, sleet, snow, or sun…

24. Donate or tag the stuff in the garage and bedroom

25. Clear out garage so my van fits in it

26. Prepare baby guide for my business (loved, LOVED photographing the newborn last week)

27. Prepare family guide for my business

28. Prepare wedding guide for my business

29. Print copies of my senior sales guide

30. Wardrobe makeover

31. Fix the jewelry from PB

32. Clean out basement storage craft room

33. Clean out under stairs storage room

34. Clean out back storage room

35. College Prep for older kids

36. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for oldest (to work on social anxiety piece)

37. Call Heba (bff from high school)

38. Decorate house with my photo art

39. Go Kayaking with kids in Potomac

 40. Write a will

41. Organize personal pictures of kids (shoemakers kids go shoeless!)

42. Regular R.A.K.S…

43. Write letters to those who are special to me

44. Pick up my guitar

45. Family bike ride on C&O canal

46. Financial plan

47. Morning Routine 5 days or more a week

48. Collect best recipes

49. Family trip to DC

50. Journal every day (I kept a journal from age 11 until about 10 years ago, when real life got in the way. I think journaling is really important to knowing who you are, taking that time to reflect, and let stuff out of your head that is just blocking you from moving forward, setting goals, achieving dreams. 

Well the countdown begins!!

Overwhelmed.....

So I've kept a journal from the time I was 10. I wrote in it more or less faithfully until about 4 years ago. The last four years, it is all I can do to keep things together, let alone make time for musings. Life fills up and overflows, just the detritus of daily living, chores, errands, must-dos, chauffeuring, organizing, work, parenting, and just being less efficient and energetic as I get older.

But here I am, after a multi-year hiatus, trying again to start a blog as a means of expression, contemplation, and perhaps connecting with a reader or two.

My son with Aspergers and Selective Mutism (not officially diagnosed with mutism but it does seem to fit) is currently enrolled in middle school. He's very handsome, and seems to fly under the radar of most would-be bullies. He gets straight As, is in all honors, but doesn't participate in class, doesn't speak in school, doesn't ask questions when he doesn't understand, barely does homework (in our school, the only thing that is graded is test performance).

So it is hard to know, do we try to remediate the mutism? Do we hope it will go away on its own? Do we increase his 10mg of anti-anxiety meds? He doesn't have a single friend anymore, now that a neighbor moved away. How do you make friends if you won't speak? So perplexing....

He isn't unhappy. He's a sweet boy. He still watches TV shows with me -- this year we've watched Wonderfalls, My So Called Life, Freaks and Geeks, Joan of Arcadia, and currently Smallville. We briefly discuss the characters, what they do, whether something makes sense given their previous characterizations, and so on.

But at some point, won't he want friends? Or am I projecting my own need for companionship on him? I just want him to have the tools at his disposal to make friends should that become a goal of his.....

Middle School or Not....

To homeschool my ASD son or not, that is the question.

If I homeschool him:

1. I can probably keep him off of medication - he is the ONLY ASD child I know who is not on medication. I fully expect he may need it at some point, but for now, isn't that a success?

2. He can learn in a less stressful environment. I can answer the questions about work that he simply would not ask in school.

3. I can provide more controlled opportunities for socialization - although I can never match the regularity of daily exposure to the same kids that public schools provide. But I can provide opportunities that have more potential to be successful with younger kids (specifically, kids who are 2 years or more younger than he is).

4. Our family harmony is more likely to be maintained since he will not be maxed out by the demands of public school - not just academic, but dealing with noisy hallways, schedules, etc...

5. He is more likely to be happier at home than in school. And I think that matters, whether he is happy or not.

This is what other people tell me:

1. He will receive a better education in some areas. Will he? If he is overwhelmed by noise in the classroom, if he can't focus, if he won't ask questions he needs for clarification? I certainly do agree the potential is there for him to get a better education, but is he ready to seize it? If I homeschool middle school, I will use a prepared, accredited curriculum.

2. He will get "socialization". Will he? What does that mean? I've talked to several people with ASD kids in middle school, and they have to deal with bullying and a stressed out child. Only 1 of 7 ASD middle school children I know of actually has friends. The rest don't! What they learn is that they are "weird", "unlikeable", and so on. My son, who is almost 12, plays with 9 year olds well, not 12 year olds. He is immature. But 9 year olds in school think it odd to play with kids not of their age. In the homeschool world, that is not the case.

3. He has to join the real world sometime. Yes he does, and he will. But why not on his terms? Why not when he is ready? He learned to ride a bike in 30 seconds when he was ready at age 8. We spent the summers when he was 5 and 6 trying to teach him and he couldn't learn - but he wasn't ready. We gave up when he was 7, and he completely surprised us one day when he was 8 by getting on a bike and riding it down our driveway.

And here is another thought, what is so "real world" about school? Where else in the real world do you interact only with people your own age? Where else in the real world are people so cliquish? Well, perhaps country clubs, but in general, that fades away...

4. You are sheltering him. I am, in a way, but the thing is, for my son, every single day is a challenge. He is still learning to deal with the minor frustrations of siblings and unexpected plans in an appropriate way. School would provide significant additional frustrations before he has the skills to deal with them, and would likely require him to take medication.

5. He might enjoy it and have fun. He might. That is the one thing that gives me pause, he might like it, it might be good for him. Will he be like the 1 in 7 ASD kids I know of who has friends and likes middle school? Or will he be like the 6 in 7 who do well academically but have no friends, take meds, and explode constantly at home when the meds wear off?

What to do.....

Spring Flowers...

Taking some pictures this spring...here are some of my favorites...all taken in my yard.....

Plum blossom on my driveway....

Crocus


Daffodil up close...



Reflection in a puddle (lots of rain this spring)


Another view of the crocus...these were planted years ago, and make an appearance sporadically....